Okay, so we’re ten days into 2021! How’s it been for you? Weird? Sad? Humbling? Positive? Discombobulating? All of those? Me too. It’s a surreal time. And one that I thought worth documenting each day in tiny, mini tidbits that sum up my well, thoughts for the day.
Every year for as long as I can remember, I’ve intended to do this very thing. To wake up on January 1st of a new year, with new hope, new resolutions – (oh who am I kidding, the same old ones from last year!) – and new revelations that have suddenly dawned on me when I’m trying to be stiller. Often, these revelations come to me in the strangest of fleeting ways. And then they’re off again.
Like when I’m attempting a downward dog and fart. Or when collecting my thoughts after a long crying session along the canal, when I’m trying my absolute best not to because water, clumsiness and overwhelmed tear ducts do not go together. Those revelations are for another blog – I need to be far stiller than I am now to pull those little gems from the corner of my subconscious.
So, for today, I thought I’d share some thoughts on the first days of this new year, 2021.
Friday January 1st
Today is the first day of a year when hope, optimism and a new beginning feels as though it has never been more collectively sought, in recent years. A time to put the chaos, sadness and uncertainty of a most surreal year behind us and look forward to the hope of creating memories with loved ones, realising dreams, seizing opportunities and a happier year ahead. For me, it brings a renewal, a rebirth, a progression towards who I know I can be. Of who I am deep down. It’s the opportunity to be my fullest and happiest self. Here’s to 2021. May it be filled with new memories, life, experiences and smiles.
Saturday 2nd January
Tiiiiiiiiiired! Usually, I’d try to hide my depressive thoughts and negativity for fear of alienating everyone through the broken record that is that narrative. But I figured as this is just for me to document my feelings and understand any patterns, it’d be for my eyes only. Today I’m feeling hopeless. Eating my feelings. Which means I’m eating everything in sight. My moods change all the time, seemingly without cause or understanding. I figured this might help to figure out why and how I’m unmotivated. I’m not looking forward to things. I’m anxious about my out of office ending. I’ve planned how to say no and how to set boundaries and what I want those boundaries to look like so I can create some balance. I’m terrified though of trying to put them into practice and failing. It’s something I feel I should be able to do. I’ve got to try my best. Although not try, as Maria would say, do it!!! Believe in myself. No one is going to do it for me. Breathe. Sleep. Take a moment. And don’t do what others expect me to do. Do what makes me happy, is right for me and is good for my health.
Sunday 3rd January
Anxious. Apprehensive. Want to continue with no alarm and work. Doesn’t everyone though? That’s not rhetorical; it’s a genuine question. I walked for 2.5 hours today. Feel proud of that. I can do this. I can do hard things. I can and will set boundaries, say no instead of yes when I mean no, and start my new schedule and working life. It’s time to be, create and get what I truly want and know I’m capable of doing.
Monday 4th January
It’s the first working day back for many, it was for me too. And tonight at 8pm, Boris Johnson announced we’re going into lockdown and that the new variant of Covid-19 has up to 70% faster transmission. Tonight I just feel sad. Empty. Numb. Heartbroken. For those who have lost their lives both directly and indirectly to this horrible disease. For those desperately clinging on. For those who have lost their livelihoods. For those struggling to get food, shelter and a break. For those terrified of what the future may hold and simultaneously battling today. In the words of our pub landlord, Bob: “We are all riding this storm, but we’re in different boats.” Let’s be kind and hand people an oar.
Tuesday 5th January 2020
Meh. That is all. Sometimes the words are hard to find. But today, a walk along my local canal helped. There were birds tweeting, green fields and the sun was brighter than I remembered. I’m grateful for that moment. I’m trying to notice the small things.
This year, so far
What I’ve taken from the first few days of this year:
- Writing helps. It helps me to get my feelings out. Understand myself a little better. Become better, even.
- Self-care is vital. Meditation is hard, but it helps me to destress. Walking in nature soothes me.
- Negative thoughts lead to other negative thoughts, actions and behaviours. Hope, optimism and positivity, even if for only pockets throughout the day, is progress. It shows there is lightness appearing through the dark.
My New Year’s Resolutions
- Eat less cheese. In fact, eat less in general. Tend to my emotions and comfort myself in other ways.
- Write that book. Write on this blog. Write from my heart.
- Get back into tap dancing.
- Prioritise my wellness – stop ignoring it and distracting myself to avoid feeling.
- Read more.
Happy 2021! It’s definitely not been an easy start to the year. And we’re all trying to navigate it the best we can. But here’s to light, love and hope. Where there is kindness, there is light. Where there is love, there is happiness. Where there is hope, there is joy.
Here’s to light, love and hope xx